Trust...

My counselor suggested the other day that I don't trust him.

That's probably not the exact wording he used, but that's what I got through my thick skull, and it surprised me, even though I told him, "I don't think I trust anyone."

The really odd thing is, this past week I had been considering giving him the URL to my blog here, as well as the URL and password to my private journal (he told me that's not a "blog" since no one else can read it). And for him to say I don't trust him... well, it puzzles me.

Granted, he doesn't know I planned to do that. But I don't know if he's saying that because it's been his experience with other clients of his, or if he honestly believes it.

So now I'm thinking about whether or not I truly trust anyone, as I stated.

I think I do... but why do I think that?

How do I trust people? How do I decide whom I can trust, and why?

I trust Jubee, and I trust Tim. They know just about everything going on in my life. I know that even if they get angry at me, they will get over it and still be my friend. I know that I can ask them for help, and if they are able to do it, they will... and if they can't, they'll tell me up front, and we'll still be friends.

Back up a moment.

I tell them everything. They know about Scott's cheating, his controlling behaviors, his abuse of the kids. They know about my diagnoses, and that I'm a hoarder, and that I have OCD.

But I've told all that to my family and to others who are getting to know me at my knitting group--- in fact, I had a long discussion about it today at my spinning group with Fawn, a newcomer, and JJ, whom I've known since May 2011. I've told my situation to Liz, Tammie, Jo and both Lauras, all of whom I met when I met JJ. I trust them not to turn their backs on me because of my mental issues, even though two friends whom I thought were more tolerant have turned away from me.

Granted, I don't just blurt out my background to every person I meet--- heavens, I don't want to bore anyone! I only mention any of it when I'm asked questions about certain parts of my life, and I don't hold anything back if it's pertinent to their question.

So how am I not trusting people?

The only thing I can think of is that I don't trust people to have my back, so to speak... mostly because I don't think they're capable of helping me. And mostly that's been because the ones upon whom I depended most let me down when I really needed them.

Otherwise, I think I trust people too much.