A new year started.....

Wow. Is it really a new year? Seems like the new year actually started in August, at least as far as I'm concerned. That's when my husband was told by the Department of Human Services that he needed to move out, and I was told that I could not permit contact between him and the kids any more.

0.o

I am still in the process of realizing just how much control he had over our lives. And I am truly stunned by that realization.

You know how you don't always recognize just how close to the precipice you're standing until someone yanks you back to safety? That's how I feel now, and I'm reeling in disbelief that I've been so blind all these years.

For example:

I've longed all my life to live at the coast--- the beautiful, wild, unpredictable Oregon coast, to which my mother introduced me many, many years ago. I have never tried to hide this desire of mine, and my then-fiance told me, "Yeah, we can move there before the kids get out of school. I like the Depoe Bay area--- my aunt Nancy used to live there."

Several years after our marriage, however, his words changed to, "we'll move there after the kids are out of school." And Depoe Bay was never mentioned again.

I never gave up that dream. I did my best to make the drive to the nearest coastal town at least once every two months, and my refrain, whenever the kids drove me crazy or I was in the depths of despair, was always, "I want to go home." And by this time, even the kids knew that when I said, "home," what I really meant was the coast.

My husband was very quick to remind me, "You ARE home." And even though I knew he knew what I was saying, I repeated it anyway: "No. Home is where the heart is, and my heart is at the coast."

Eventually the promise became, "We'll move there after we retire." And then I knew that if I stayed married to this man, as I had always planned to do, because I was NOT going to repeat my parents' problems of failed marriages! then I would have to give up that elusive dream.

But I wasn't ready to start mourning it just yet. Life has a way of changing, and I thought to myself, I can save up my own money and buy some coastal property, just some undeveloped land, and I can use that for a vacation getaway, at least. Even if I only used it as my own private camping spot, that was better than nothing. Some dreams are never realized because the dreamers are inflexible. I was not going to let that happen!

Other examples included the furniture arrangement in the house. Whenever he got a yen for change, he'd start rearranging the furniture without asking if I minded. I didn't, of course, but then again, I didn't mind. The kitchen was my domain, and that was the only place I wanted organized a certain way.

Then suddenly he became the stay-at-home parent due to becoming disabled by MS. In his mind, that meant that the entire house was his to control. He started putting dishes in different cupboards, food and seasonings were shifted around to his liking, and I'd come home to cook and couldn't find anything. It drove me crazy, but anytime I tried to point out what I thought was common sense or what I'd learned in the ten extra years I had on him, he'd accuse me of never trusting him, of always thinking I knew better, of always pulling the "age" card. It never ended well.

Now here I am, a single parent to all intents and purposes, and I don't think he'd recognize the house if he ever saw it again. I've thrown out the couch and loveseat and replaced them with a futon sofa and futon chair, both made of nice oak. I don't think these two seats will be overrun by mice like the last ones were!

We also have a dog now--- Lucy, a 4- or 6-year-old Schnoodle bitch, who's actually very intuitive as to our feelings. She loves to cuddle with all of us, but especially me--- seems she was originally a lady's dog. She creeps into bed with all of us if we let her, nosing her way under the covers as though hiding from the world. I've taken any number of photos of her snuggling with the kids. Hubby's attitude was always, "I'm a cat person." But we got neither, because of my horrendous allergies... and Lucy does not aggravate them! It's been over a quarter of a century since I was last able to cuddle with a dog like I do with Lucy!

At any rate, I'm really not done bitching about the hold he had over us, but I'm falling asleep, so I'll come back later and finish this post! Sleep well, and thanks for listening!